I'm out of school now. I will be back on third term so I'll be free of school works until the end of this year. To be honest I don't know what to feel about it. I always wished to have a break from school because I'm so lazy, I don't want to study. Kidding haha. But seriously speaking, I always wanted this to happen. Having my own break and a free time so I can do whatever I want. But I know myself. I always want to do so many things but I never move. I always wait for the perfect timing (if there's such thing as "perfect" time) to take a step on doing what I want which is a totally stupid thing to do, because I always end up being unproductive. I hate myself for doing nothing because I always wanted to explore, have fun and just live my life to the fullest. So instead of doing the things that I really want to do, I always stay in my room, sleep, workout, eat, watch korean dramas, and stalk people through instagram and twitter. I'm so tired of it. I mean, we only live once right? And I feel like I'm not enjoying my life. I feel like I'm keeping myself from having fun, I'm afraid to be happy because I know it won't last.
Awhile ago after I finished watching Fated To Love You, I was suddenly curious on what my fate is. I can't help but to think what I'll be doing for the next 3 years, 5 years or 10 years. Will I be the same for the next years? Will I regret something? or will I be the complete opposite of myself - happy, confident, and not afraid and lazy to do what I want to do. To be honest, I'm not afraid to die but I am afraid of the future. I'm afraid that I might regret somethings that I wished I did. I'm scared that it is too late to do the things that I love. I'm scared that I might not be able to reach my goals in life because I didn't took a risk.
Everything that is worth it, doesn't come easy. That is life. Sometimes we lose, sometimes we win. I'm not scared to lose or to fail, I know that it is part of life. But I'm scared of people. People who will judge me without even knowing me. People who will disappoint me. People who won't appreciate me. I'm the type of person who appreciates the people who come to my life. It is not obvious, but yes I'm always grateful and thankful for those who try to get along with me. Why? because I feel like I'm not good enough for anybody. (ok so talking about fear, there was a flying cockroach in my room while I was typing. it was huge and it is still there so now I'm in my parent's room. took me 30 minutes before I had the guts to grab my laptop.) So anyway, where am I? ok, so I'm the type of person who tries to please everyone because I don't want anyone to hate me. And that's the problem. We can't please everyone, yes I know that, but I'm afraid that people will judge me from doing the things that I want to do and some of the other reasons are having the courage, perseverance, and patience.
I'll file a leave of absence for this term because I'm unsure on what I want to do with my life. Before I enter college, everything was clear. I planned the things that I'll do for college. I'm lucky because I was able to go to my dream university though I didn't passed the course that I really want to take. So everything was planned- but none of it goes according to my plan. It is sad, frustrating and disappointing. But I believe that everything happens for a reason. As I was scrolling through my dashboard on tumblr the other day there's was a quote that says "God will wreck your plans when he sees that your plans are about to wreck you." we always ask for things that we want to get or to happen, but once that it isn't given to us, most of us lose faith, and doubt the presence of God. But not me. I believe that there is something better that is in store for me.
I'll end my post here because it is too long already. I would just have a separate post about the college course that I want to pursue. If you read this post, thank you so much. I have no readers actually so if you happen to read this, thank you so much.
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