It's exactly 5 hours since my mom left. She is going to New York for 5 months. I cannot imagine how hard it will be for us now that she's not here. My mom is the only one who talks in our house (since my family isn't close) and we're all close to her, so we will surely feel her absence. Although this isn't the first time that she's leaving us for this long, it still hurts to see her go. I cannot holdback my tears awhile ago, I can't even utter goodbye when I kissed her before she left because I will burst into tears. I literally run into my room after she left and just cry myself out. I even miss her when I'm just in school so the thought that I won't see her for 5 months makes me sad.
I thought I would do better this time around since this isn't the first time that she's leaving us. Last time I had a class the day before my mom's flight and I had no energy in school and I was feeling down. I wanted to cry but I needed to stop myself because it would be embarrassing. I was lucky enough that I had no class the day of her flight but I was the same as now when she left. I can't remember how I manage to survive those days. I was back-reading my private blog looking for my posts during those times and the only posts that I've published was about how much I missed my mom. Last time, I made a calendar to cross out the date until my mom's return. I seriously can't even believe how I survived those days. And now we're back at it again.
My mom is the next person I love the most after God. I'm willing to give up everything for her. The last few night were rough. It wasn't easy for me. Every night I cry thinking that she'll be leaving in a few days. If you will let me define what real sadness is, this is it. Last night I was lying on my bed and just staring at my room's ceiling, my tears keep running down my face and my heart seems like it is tearing apart. It left me speechless and all I was thinking in that particular moment was my mom and God and how hurt I was. I tried to understand the situation. I tried to get a grip and think that God let all of this happen. Every night the only thing that I'm asking God is let His will be done. If this is part of His plan then I won't even question it. I surrender everything to Him. I know that we can handle anything that life's throwing at us but sometimes I allow myself to be sad. To cry. To ask God to embrace me and strengthen my faith in Him especially during these time. In my grief I find comfort in Him and although I'm going through a rough road right now I know that God is the one who's leading my way - that alone should make me feel at ease.
The next few days won't be easy. I'm thankful that I have a 1 week break before another term starts. At least I have this week to condition myself for the next weeks to come and to be online 24/7 just in case my mom is online.
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