I LOVE YOU, MOM

It's exactly 5 hours since my mom left. She is going to New York for 5 months. I cannot imagine how hard it will be for us now that she's not here. My mom is the only one who talks in our house (since my family isn't close) and we're all close to her, so we will surely feel her absence. Although this isn't the first time that she's leaving us for this long, it still hurts to see her go. I cannot holdback my tears awhile ago, I can't even utter goodbye when I kissed her before she left because I will burst into tears. I literally run into my room after she left and just cry myself out. I even miss her when I'm just in school so the thought that I won't see her for 5 months makes me sad.

I thought I would do better this time around since this isn't the first time that she's leaving us. Last time I had a class the day before my mom's flight and I had no energy in school and I was feeling down. I wanted to cry but I needed to stop myself because it would be embarrassing. I was lucky enough that I had no class the day of her flight but I was the same as now when she left. I can't remember how I manage to survive those days. I was back-reading my private blog looking for my posts during those times and the only posts that I've published was about how much I missed my mom. Last time, I made a calendar to cross out the date until my mom's return. I seriously can't even believe how I survived those days. And now we're back at it again.

My mom is the next person I love the most after God. I'm willing to give up everything for her. The last few night were rough. It wasn't easy for me. Every night I cry thinking that she'll be leaving in a few days. If you will let me define what real sadness is, this is it. Last night I was lying on my bed and just staring at my room's ceiling, my tears keep running down my face and my heart seems like it is tearing apart. It left me speechless and all I was thinking in that particular moment was my mom and God and how hurt I was. I tried to understand the situation. I tried to get a grip and think that God let all of this happen. Every night the only thing that I'm asking God is let His will be done. If this is part of His plan then I won't even question it. I surrender everything to Him. I know that we can handle anything that life's throwing at us but sometimes I allow myself to be sad. To cry. To ask God to embrace me and strengthen my faith in Him especially during these time. In my grief I find comfort in Him and although I'm going through a rough road right now I know that God is the one who's leading my way - that alone should make me feel at ease.

The next few days won't be easy. I'm thankful that I have a 1 week break before another term starts. At least I have this week to condition myself for the next weeks to come and to be online 24/7 just in case my mom is online.

REJECT.

~cue Tuloy Pa Rin by Ysabelle Cuevas~

According to Cambridge dictionary, reject is to refuse to accept, use, or believe something or someone; to not give someone the love and attention they want and are expecting from you. 

From my 19 years of existence I got rejected numerous times already. There were times that it did hurt a lot. I can certainly feel it within me but sometimes I can somehow feel the pain physically. There were times when my heart is beating so fast then all of a sudden I feel so numb and it feels like everything is in slow motion. I can feel each seconds that pass and I just want to stop. I don't even know what I want to stop but I want to pause or to freeze. But as I get mature on handling rejections, I just choose not to over think about it, lift it all up to God and move on with life.

There are many ways we can get rejected in life - from choosing a university, course, finding a job, love, applying visas, proposals, etc. the lists can go on and on. It is, of course, normal to get hurt when we get rejected. Sometimes rejection feels like a big slap on our face and telling us we are not good enough or we aren't worth the risk. But despite all these negative thoughts that's bugging our mind evert time we get rejected, I still believe that it is a blessings in disguise. Maybe what we want/ what we planned for ourselves isn't God's plan for us. It is easier to get angry or get disappointed once it happens to us but sometimes we shouldn't over think about it  because you might only end up blaming yourself or anyone. Life is a b*tch. I know sometimes it is tiring to be optimistic all the time because life will always keep on trying you. But just do it for yourself. Reacting negatively about it won't change anything. At least if you stay positive about it and thank God for closing the door that isn't for you, maybe He will let you open the door that you should have been entering. For God know the plans that He has for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11)

I'd like to end this post with this short note: God always has a reason for allowing things to happen. Even the things that we haven't even prayed for yet, He is already handling it for us. We may not understand the reason for evey thing, but we have to simply trust His will.

Change is Bound to Happen

I was browsing my pictures on my laptop just a few moments ago and I can't help but smile to myself because I cannot believe the numbers of selfies I've taken years ago. haha! I can't help but notice how much I've changed these years. Not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. It's so amazing how much photos can bring back memories and how it can help you realize how much blessing you've received all these years of your life.

I know that I have change a lot, especially these last 2 years - it was the turning point of my life. The amount of experiences I never thought I would encounter - the gallons of tears I've shed, thousands of prayer I've convey, the numbers of time I was on my knees, from experiencing all the stages of grief, and a lot more - never did I imagined that from these experiences I was able to build a strong relationship. The relationship I wouldn't trade anything for. The relationship I would forever cherish. My own relationship goal - It's my relationship with God. I've survived my gloomy days because it was His hand that I've seen through the greatest scheme of things. It was Him who gave me strength and who helped me get up when I was on my knees. It was Him who showed me that there's no such thing as 'bad life'. It was Him who gave me the courage to smile and look forward to future. It was Him who gave me wisdom and brings hope to my life.

Were these last 2 years the worst years of my life? To be honest, no. It was indeed different and unexpected but those were the years I get to know God and myself. It was the time I discovered who I really am and how much I'm capable of handling this so called 'life'. If I am given a chance to re-write anything that I want to change, I wouldn't alter anything. From my point of view it may not be the "perfect" scenario, or the "perfect" life that I was hoping, but without all these experiences I wouldn't be who I am today. I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect, no one can be anyway, but I'm proud to say that I don't regret anything. I learned to see the goodness in life. I learned to realized HOW MUCH blessings God is giving me everyday. I wouldn't ask for more. Everything I have is enough and maybe even more than enough. I will forever lift up my hands to Him and praise Him. Just like what I'm saying every time I talk to God: Lord, I accept you as my savior, you're the reason why we're here, please have your way in me, I fully surrender myself to you.

"Should I even be surprised that you're with me in disguise, for it's your hand I have seen in the greater scheme of things" - Pilgrim's Theme

time check: 2:07 am

It is not unusual for me to wake up at this hour. I've read somewhere that maybe if we can't put ourselves to sleep, maybe because we haven't talked to God yet. 

We're busy running our own errands during the day so we tend to fall back to sleep right after a very long day. But sometimes we can't sleep even if we're already tired enough. Whenever I wake up at this hour and I can't put myself back to sleep, I usually take this time to reflect. For me this is the perfect time to read His word and reflect on it. I always feel at ease every time I do it because it feels like I'm really having a one on one conversation with Him. 

When was the last time you actually talked to God? He wanna know how your day went. God is longing for you. He wants to know how you feel. Talk to him like He's your best friend. He understands all your struggles, all your pain. Sometimes we tend to stress over things that we shouldn't stress about. You have a problem? why don't you surrender it all to God. Wherever you are, God put you there for a reason. Let Go of things that bothers you and Let God handle it. God's plans is always better than ours so trust in Him. Have faith and let God take over your life. Talk to him. If there's someone who can truly understand you, it is Him. Ask for his guidance and let his will be done.